Balancing Motherhood and a Career in Cybersecurity
My life isn’t glamorous. Most days I’m vacuuming a pile of goldfish crackers that my daughter crushed on my faux wood floors. I’m usually dressed in a t-shirt and workout pants, carrying one toddler on one hip and my cellphone in one hand, trying to look like I’m paying attention in my Zoom meeting. I’m not one of those Pinterest moms, and I don’t aspire to be. I‘m a working mother of three young children under 10, and I’m exhausted most days. I won’t sugar-coat anything because motherhood is hard, and not being prepared for the truth is harder.
The good thing is, I’m an analyst at heart. I’ve always been analytical at my core and I love finding ways to be efficient — it is one of my greatest joys in life.
Nothing can prepare you for motherhood or parenthood. I mean, nothing. Parenthood affects everyone differently; it’s all relative to what your life was like before you had children, and how much of a selfish prick you were.
There is no analyst course or certification that can prepare you for motherhood. As someone who loves IT certifications and higher education, I can honestly say that the role of a parent requires nothing but on-the-job training. You learn by making copious mistakes and feeling like a failure for a good number of years, until you have another kid and gain some perspective. When you have a second kid, you start becoming familiar with illness and lack of sleep, then gain some notches in your belt.
If and when you have three kids, you’re basically drowning and wishing you had a TARDIS or Delorean to jump into that can turn back time. Call Doctor Who and Doc Brown and set the time-travel machine to when you had a flat stomach, perky boobs, and face that didn’t look like it was staring at the brink of extinction.
It’s not all bad, but I’ve always been pretty blunt, so I don’t want to paint a rosy picture. Yeah, maybe parenthood is like a rose bush- it looks pretty, but it’s filled with thorns and takes hard work and sacrifice to make the flowers bloom.
How I Rely on Systems to Manage it All
So how do I balance a career in cybersecurity with motherhood? Well, the answer is simple- I rely on systems.
I rely on systems because discipline is hard, and people tend to err toward laziness. Like an engineer, I build systems in place to ensure redundancy for my lunacy. I use the skills I’ve learned throughout my career and apply it to my personal life.
Finances
For finances, I rely on automation as much as possible. I set all of my bills on auto-pay, including my daycare payments. Pro Tip: Almost every single financial expert recommends autopay, you can focus on the most important things like the balance in your bank account and monitoring for credit fraud of illegitimate charges.
Daycare
As for daycare, I always shop around for a minimum of three places, just like any estimate you would obtain for home repairs. I rely on Yelp, Google Reviews, friends, and Facebook groups to crowdsource my information. I don’t have time to try out a million different dance schools or summer camps- that’s for those stay-at-home moms. Screw that, as a working mother I need to be as efficient as possible. I narrow down daycares to the top three choices, and I try to get the best care at the best price.
I am ALL ABOUT efficiency. For example, if a daycare is $50 cheaper per month, but half-way across town, it would take me an average of 40 minutes per day (in traffic) to get there, I don’t choose that one. I choose the one most effective, saving my time. I pay the extra $50 per month to have my kids in a daycare that is only 5 minutes from my house because that saves me an extra 30 minutes per day that I can use to focus on something more important than commuting. For example, I use those extra minutes gained from my schedule to make phone calls and network with others to make those big money moves.
Meals and Groceries
I hate to admit it, but I don’t cook often, I order pre-prepared meals or cook in big batches- enough to feed my kids healthy meals. I’ve experimented with so many meal-kit programs, including Freshly, HomeChef, FreshStart, Blue Apron, and others, to help make mealtimes easier. Chef-made meal services are even available for an average of $9–11 per meal because the meals are prepared in an industrial kitchen. Again, these services cost a bit more, but as a working parent, there are times when you’ll spend the money to save your sanity. As a working mom, I don’t have time to run around the grocery store looking for cumin. Oh hell no. I order deliveries from Instacart, and do Target or Walmart pickup orders. (Full disclosure: I am getting zero ad revenue or sponsorships from any of these companies. I just want to share services that I use, without getting anything in return). Other services like Grove, Chewy, and Amazon will auto-ship staple items that you ‘ll need every month. Technology is your friend! I calculate how many boxes of diapers I go through, and I buy enough during one shopping trip to Costco to last a couple of months. Using technology and behavior learning, Amazon provides recommendations on how often to auto-ship something based on your routines. Costco, Sam’s Club, BJs, and others are my friends because you can buy a supply of shampoo to last about 9 months or enough toilet paper for the next decade if you wanted. Buying in bulk makes life more efficient because you’re not running to the store several times a week.
Birthdays and Doctors Appointments
I book dentist appointments and medical checkups in advance. For example, infants require immunization at 3, 6, 9 and 12 months. I schedule these appointments in advance when I’m at the doctor or rely on online scheduling if it is available on the doctor’s website. Same for routine dentist appointments. I usually take all my children in the same visit, and I book it months in advance. I save all appointments on either my Google calendar or iCal to allow for adjustment and reminders.
Back when I had only one child, I used to host elaborate birthday parties and do all the cooking, cleaning, and decorating myself. Nope- don’t do that anymore. I either ask my child if they want to enjoy a trip or experience somewhere (e.g. Disney or Great Wolf Lodge) or have a birthday party. The younger ones usually opt for a birthday party. I book those in advance at a local cool spot, I search through Groupon months in advance for cheap birthday packages. It’s pretty inexpensive to book a birthday party at a trampoline park, for example that provides food, utensils, plates, and sometimes even decorations. I just have to bring a cake and candles! For invitations, I use Evite or Punchbowl-I never use paper invitations because it’s a waste of time.
Ask for Help- Don’t Drown.
Another thing I do is schedule time for myself. This is so important because if you’re not taking care of you, then you will not be able to take care of your child.
If you can schedule a Zoom meeting, then you can schedule in a pedicure. Please take time for you and pencil in time for a quick workout or just take time to decompress after work. Heck, keep a bottle of lavender essential oil and sniff it in the parking lot.
If you have small children under the age of 3, and you have to go into the office, you probably have to put them in daycare. Unless you’re one of those super fortunate people to have in-laws around.
That is tip #4- get all the help you can. Don’t be ashamed. Ask for help from friends and family and schedule breaks for yourself.
If you have a significant other, don’t forget about them as well. I can’t begin to tell you how many marriages I’ve seen suffer and fall apart because they forget about the person that they started this journey with. Parenting is hard, but parenting and neglecting your spouse in the short term will have consequences in the long term. Schedule date nights, use care.com or sittercity.com to find a babysitter and get recommendations from Facebook groups like nanny network in your local city. I always ask other moms for who they use for babysitting before venturing out some stranger online on my own.
Extracurriculars
For kids’ extra circular activities, as a working parent, I recommend choosing one activity. This is just my personal recommendation; it may be different if you have a spouse that stays at home or have help from family. The reason why is that extracurricular activities consume a lot of free time after work.
I have seen parents who have children involved in a thousand activities neglect their own health and put it on the back burner because they are always running around doing drop-off/pick-up. Eventually, putting your health on the back burner, will start to catch fire.
Exercise
I realized I need to exercise to feel health and sane, either first thing in the morning or late in the evening, or I squeeze it in during the workday perhaps for a lunch break. Find what works best for you, and remember opt for intensity not longevity when you’re short on time. A 30-minute intense workout is better than walking on a treadmill for 60 minutes. I have been guilty of not taking care of myself and get burned-out, please read my other blogpost on: Burnout and Cybersecurity to hear my story of how I neglected my health at my own peril.
Cleaning, Yard work, and All the Other Things I Hate Doing…
A close circle of friends has called me a cyber-Marie Kondo, a title which I will gladly take on. I am sort of a clean and organized person, so I basically clean a little bit every single day. I organize my house so that everything has its place, and the toys are in a designated area. My system of organizing has passed down to my children because they already know there is designated Ikea box or ottoman for storage. It’s not about being a neurotic clean person but more about developing discipline. Kids need structure and having an organized home is one way of encouraging good habits.
My house does not look like a magazine by any means, but I basically have labels on things or at least a place so when it’s cleanup time, everyone knows where things go. This also helps me to maintain my sanity as a working mom because I’m not looking for a flashlight, soccer balls, or hand towels, going raving mad. I already know the general area of where things are located. If you hate cleaning, then please spend the money and hire a maid service like Maid Brigade, Molly Maid, or hire one from Angie’s List or ask your neighbors.
As for yard work? Ha! The days of yard work are long gone for me. I outsource anything I possibly can because I can never get back time, but I can always make more money.
Studies have proven that this is one way to increase your happiness is by spending your money on things you hate doing. Not only does it save you time, but you can focus that same time doing the things you love or need to get done.
I have paid high school kids in the neighborhood for relatively cheap or I’ve found a lawn care maintenance company to support local businesses. However, if you love gardening or cutting the grass, then do it yourself- it’s all about what works for you.
Vacations and Frequent-Flyer Miles
As for vacations, I never use connecting flights. I fly non-stop and I have everything prepared in advance- fully charged iPad batteries, toys, and snacks. I travel with lightweight strollers, car seat backpacks, and travel-sized items. I use hotel apps and traveling booking sites (Orbitz, Expedia, Priceline, etc.) to book everything in advance-car, flight, and hotel, all in one. I take advantage of discounts from frequent flyer programs and I stick with one hotel brand (Hyatt or Marriott) and rack up my points and maximize benefits.
Final Thoughts
In conclusion, there is no one-size fits all solution. Nowadays in the age of technology, there are definitely resources that parents have access to that simply did not exist when I was growing up. There are systems that can be put into place that make life more streamlined and frictionless. I also am a firm believer that whatever works for you, is whatever works for you. I’m not here to judge in any kind of way, it’s hard enough being a parent as it is in this generation. I just wanted to share what works for me, and hopefully these tips will help you to maintain your sanity and reduce stress. Remember raising children is hard, but it is the most important job you will ever hold.
Key Takeaways
- Remember, there is no perfect guidebook on parenting. Just do your best and forget the rest.
- Figure out what things in your life you could simplify by paying for a service or cutting out entirely.
- Take time for yourself, whether that means getting a babysitter and planning a date night or planning a trip with your friends, do what recharges your batteries.
- Identify what you hate doing, then outsource that thing to gain some happiness points.
As always, live foolishly and never grow up- because adulting is totally overrated.
J.K.
